Yayy!! You are going on your first date!! How fun, exciting, and sometimes ridiculously scary experience! What are you going to wear? Where are you going to go? Most of all, how do I avoid those awkward silences to either start, continue, or maybe even end the conversation?
Conversation will oftentimes make or break a date. Don’t freak out! It’s an opportunity to really dive in and connect with someone on an intimate level without an audience (unless it’s a group date but even then, there may be time for one on one conversation). They get to know about you and most importantly you get to know about them. However, if you are new to dating then this can be become an anxiety driven event. It doesn’t have to be.
Approaching the date at a friendship level will help relieve the anxiety to perform perfectly.
Look at the person with potential but also with a chance it may not work out romantically and that’s okay. Conversation will help bring knowledge about their life, mindset, and expectations. It helps separate those who are a potential yes to those who are a definite no.
Questions are an invitation to getting to know someone at a deeper level.
If someone is insulted by your questions or act negatively to it, it may be a red flag. If you can’t communicate at the beginning stages, then it will set a foundation for misunderstanding throughout the whole relationship. Questions help shed light on areas you may not be aware of. It keeps everyone safe and aware.
For the most part, people like talking about themselves and hearing others as well. Here are some tips along with some questions you may want to ask on your first date:
Tip #1: Reveal but don’t go overboard.
You want to answer questions but don’t go into super detail unless it calls for it. For instance, if you have a significant scar or have cool relevant story then provide details. I’m more talking about going through your whole human history since you were 2 years old or reflecting on every single relationship you have ever had. Hopefully, this won’t be the only time you end up meeting. Leave room for healthy mystery.
Tip #2: Bounce the conversation.
Even if you are asked a question, make sure to end your answer with a question to keep the conversation flowing. Give enough time for both of you to share so this way one person isn’t monopolizing the conversation. I know sometimes it may be difficult to cut someone off but a great way to try is by asking to pose a question, “Can I ask you question? I heard you say _____ these are my thoughts _____ What about ____?” Hopefully, this will get you involved so you’re not looking into your water glass with hopes of leaving.
Keep in mind your conversation as well. If you find yourself talking too much, ask if it’s too much. Some people like it, others not so much. Remember, you want to learn about them too so you want to hear from them as well.
Tip #3: Keep the conversation healthy.
This is not a time for a counseling session. If you find yourself constantly crying after every date, then take some time for yourself and work out what you need to so this way you are entering into a romantic situation emotionally healthy. When the tears stop, you are ready. Also, steer away from sexually driven conversation. This will only lead to misinterpretation, misleading intentions, or even desired sexual contact. Words bring life. We want to be holy in how we both speak and act.
Now that we have talked about some tips to help you while involved in conversation, let’s look at some questions to ask:
Question #1: What ministries are you involved with in your church?
This will tell you if they are an active member of their church and what area of God’s kingdom they are interested in. Now some churches are small enough where they may not have certain ministries available but you may hear that through conversation. “I’ve always wanted to work with the Youth but we don’t have enough Youth in our church right now.” At least it will give you an idea of where they are at and if they have an interest in God’s people at all. It will also let you know if that is a ministry you want to be a part of. It may not be something you’re interested in or maybe it is. Either way, it will help in your decision making especially if they want to be a Pastor or Director in that area because that means you will mostly likely be looked to as an active participant in it.
Question #2: What do you enjoy most about God?
This helps you get an understanding of where they are in their relationship with God. It will tell you if they even really know God enough to talk about Him. When you are in love with someone, you can’t help but talk about Him. This is no different with God. When people are truly walking with the Lord, there is a lot of conversation to be had. Asking this question will help get an idea of where they are in their walk and if you want to walk alongside them.
Question #3: What do you do on your downtime?
How people spend their time is important. It will show where their attention is at and ultimately where they want to go. Again, it will let you know what their interests are. If you are vegan and they hunt for fun, you will have an issue with this. Rather than find out when you are weeks or months deep in a developing relationship, it’s better to know as soon as possible. It’s not to say that opposites don’t attract or you have to have the same interests but with the vegan example there is a clear difference in what can oftentimes be heated sides. You want to have peace in your decision and if you’re constantly compromising it will have an effect on you and ultimately your relationship with that person.
Question #4: How is your relationship with your family?
Relationships with family members are important. Listening about the other person’s family or watching how they interact with each other is telling. You will want to decide if you want to be part of that. If you happen to be out to dinner with them or at an event, remember just like they are looking at you to see if they want you to be a part of their family, you need to look at them and see if you want to be a part of theirs. How they communicate to each other, treat other, talk about each other, are all important things to look at. If you end up marrying this person, they won’t just be your family but they will be the influence around your kids. Are you excited or scared when you look at them? It’s much easier to leave now if you find they are toxic or even abusive.
Of course, not every family is perfect. You will have some conflict because we are humans and we have different backgrounds or opinions. You want to ask yourself, “What are some major no-nos I’m not willing to put up with?” Cursing? Hitting? Talking bad about each other? Constantly yelling at each other? How they treat each other is how they will treat you and your future kids. Keep that in mind.
Question #5: Is there anything you should know about them?
People may have secrets we don’t know about. This gives them the opportunity to be upfront and honest about anything they rather we not know. If they take the chance to be honest with you, then you are given the choice as to whether or not you will accept them with whatever it is. However, if they choose to be dishonest and you find out about it later, then it will be very difficult to build a relationship on trust or you may wonder what else they haven’t told you.
Take time to pray, ask for counsel (if you don’t want to talk about it with people, that’s a red flag and intentions need to be checked), and make a wise decision for not just you but your future family because it does matter even if you’re not there yet.
Every step leads to our destiny.
It goes both ways too. If there is something you think they should know, it’s better to be upfront early. Letting them know early gives them a chance to either accept it or move on. Either way it will save both of you heartache and time. Trying to deceive them until they are in emotionally deep with you and then coming clean is not trusting God. It’s not trusting God because you are deciding what’s best for you, the other person, and your future. You are not including the Lord in your decision making and if you are a Christian then you are not being the example God needs us to be and that’s being transparent with your past.
Question #6: Do you have kids?
This question is important because you want to be informed if there is another life or lives involved. Having kids isn’t a problem. However, if they are in the habit of making kids but not commitments, then that is a problem. I’ve known so many people who have kids with many different women but won’t commit to any of them or the kids. This is a mindset you don’t want to be a part of. It causes confusion, dissention, anger, bitterness, you name it. If you think you will be the one to change that person, you are wrong. Only Jesus Christ can save them and change them. Knowing this part of anyone’s history is important.
Question #7: Who is your best friend? Group of friends?
There is an old Spanish saying, “Dime con quien andas y te diré quien eres”, which basically means, “tell me who you hang with and I’ll tell you who you are.” Let them tell you what they love about their friends, what they like to do together, how they met, etc. Do they have friends? If they don’t, why not? We are the company we keep. How are we keeping it? Friends are important because eventually you will be hanging with them.
Do they have a lot of friends of the opposite gender? Are any of them exes? Again, it’s a good idea to know what you are walking into. You may want to address any concerns you have before you walk into an uncomfortable or compromising situation.
Question #8: Who are your role models? Why?
These questions are built to get an idea of their mindset. What we feed into our minds and bodies will eventually bear fruit. What kind of fruit do we want to see? Ask them what books they are reading, have they been to any conferences, do they listen to anyone regularly or follow a certain YouTube channel or Instagram feed? Do they follow a lot of people of the opposite sex? Is it appropriate? Look into who they look up to if you don’t know who they are already. How these people act, speak, and think may give a good window into who you will be dealing with. Again, do you agree with their role model’s lifestyle?
Question #9: What music are you into?
Are you seeing a trend with these questions? It’s all about what they are feeding themselves. Music is another one of those avenues we all have to be careful with. Is their type of music really depressive? Do you see similar traits in them? Is it all about money or getting with a thousand girls? Do they act a certain way that represents what they are listening to? As Christians, we have to ask ourselves, “What are we promoting? What are we opening ourselves up to?” Dating is a step in courtship to figure out if this person is for you. By observing and asking these questions, we can be better prepared to make Godly decisions. Music is a major influencer in our culture and has power to move. In what direction does it look like they are moving in?
Question #10: What are you looking for in a mate?
What is their idea of a mate? What do they expect from a romantic interest? Is it purely physical? You can get an idea of what they are looking for by just asking. You can also know whether or not they are for you. For example, if you love books and they can’t stand the sight of them, that may be something you will want to know. It may not be terrible if they don’t like to read as long as they don’t degrade you for doing so.
What are your deal breakers? Hint: If they hate church or anything relating to Jesus Christ, then this should be a deal breaker. You have a call on your life, whether you realize it or not, and you need someone who knows how to go before the throne of God on your behalf, your family’s behalf, future kids, etc. Having someone who knows how to pray is essential in walking this purity journey out and living life across the board.
So there you have it! I pray these 10 questions will really help you weed out the ones that are in the way of who God ultimately has for you. Yes, it may be awkward at first but it can bring about much needed conversation. You can either print out the questions, put them in your phone, or study them so you know them by heart.
Now you don’t have to get through the whole list in one sitting. You may want to ask a couple questions and then see from there if you even want to continue dating this person or if you’re excited to get a second date and dive in with the other questions. Either way, it’s important to know these things because it will help start you off on the right or rather Godly foundation.
Basket of Blessings,
Jesus, family, ministry, and lots of coffee! My heart comes from being a young teen girl who didn’t know much and found Jesus in a dark time. My ministry focuses on the heart of God for this generation to make Godly decisions especially in the area of purity. A blog for all ages because God’s Word is eternal and has no age limit!